Today is brought to you by another evening of pool floating and over-thinking. Internet radio played old stuff, but I was too lazy to select another channel. This is what happens when you’re lazy…

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I’m a woman’s man no time to talk.

When those high-pitched “Stayin’ Alive” brother voices sing the first line, don’t they simply mean, “you can tell by my gait”?

Wiki defines “gait” as the pattern of movement during locomotion over a solid substrate. Most animals use a variety of gaits, selecting gait based on speed, terrain, the need to maneuver, and energetic efficiency.

Wiki also says that bipedal creatures, like the Bee Gees, use three gaits in their states of normal locomotion: walking, running, and hopping.

So this “walk” that the singer speaks of using could be a literal walk, run, or hop.

Hop. Hopping adequately explains why our singer has no time to converse. Still, we may safely eliminate hopping as a possible gait.

From observations of basic human interaction, we know that no man has ever been labeled a woman’s man based on his hopping skills, although several potential women’s-man candidates have been eliminated by that act.

Our gait choices reduce to walking and running.

Run. We may drop running, because of the singer’s confession of having been kicked around since he was born. Most likely, this type of abuse would have resulted in multiple bodily injuries.

Over time, this progressive physical damage would have precluded the type of running gait necessary to be called a woman’s man. At best, the singer would have been classified as a woman’s close running friend or perhaps her unfortunate  distant running relative.

Proof of possible brain damage from the life of kick-arounds is found in the singer’s claim to have, “the wings of heaven on my shoes,” and to be, “a dancin’ man who just can’t lose.” The scientific community calls this crazy talk.

The lines, “Well now, I get low and I get high, and if I can’t get either, I really try,” provide more evidence of deep emotional issues. Let’s stop ignoring the elephant in this pool. High-pitched voices of singers like the Bee Gees does not occur naturally. Clearly, childhood trauma contributed to the disco era.

Walk. We’re now down to walking, which we all know is the only true gait of a woman’s man. Also, walking is healthy.

Daily walks early in the singer’s life may have given greater clarity of thought, even while in the act of being kicked around. Admittedly, it is conjecture at this point, but daily exercise may have prevented the disco era entirely.

Conclusions and Recommendations:

Conclusion: The line, “Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,” is verbose and confusing. A more concise opening line would allow for at least some time to talk.


1. Re-record and re-release, “Stayin’ Alive,” with the following corrected opening lines:

Well, you can tell by my gait,
I’m a woman’s man with time to wait.

Note: Because of the greater lyrical efficiency, the first note must now be held several beats to compensate for the reduction in the number of syllables. As sung, the new lines become:

Weeeeeeellll, you can tell by my gait,
I’m a woman’s man with time to wait.

2. Become more word-efficient in your daily life, just as I avoid verbosity right here on my Mapping the Edge blog published here on this WordPress site I use. I’m your example to follow. Do this whether you’re a brother or whether you’re a mother.

For years, cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) chest compressions were taught to be done at the tempo of “Stayin’ Alive,” which interestingly, all of us sort of know internally, even if we don’t know all the words or admit to knowing them. If you start tapping out the rhythm, you will be surprisingly close to 103 beats per minute.

Several years ago, a medical study examined a possibly more effective compression rate based on the slower tempo of, “Achy breaky heart,” by Billy Ray Cyrus. I am not kidding. The results were published in the Oct 19 2011 version of the Emergency Medicine Journal.

By the way, CPR is the only legitimate use of either of these songs to be in your head. Ever. That’s my third and final recommendation.

I mean —

3. CPR is the only legitimate use of either of these songs to be in your head. Ever.

I’m hearing that someone left the cake out in the rain, but I have not the energy nor the inclination to investigate. Besides, I’m sure it didn’t take long to make it, and they will no doubt have that recipe again.

As always, I say you’re welcome in advance of your many thank yous for getting today’s life-saving message out there. Now back to writing concisely and precisely.

Will someone hand me another pool noodle? And change the station while you’re up. Please.